How to Enforce Personal Boundaries
One of the things that can be toughest to conquer is setting personal boundaries and sticking to them. Boundaries are incredibly important to our mental well-being, but enforcing them is a whole different story - especially when the boundaries involve other people.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries, in their simplest sense are simply a line that you draw to protect yourself and let others know how you want to be treated. Without boundaries, we can often be taken advantage of because others don't know where our “comfortable line” lies. Oftentimes when people cross our boundaries, it isn't done maliciously - they simply don't know where our boundaries are.
A couple of simple examples:
Your mother in law is constantly coming to your house with no warning and is coming inside without knocking. Every time this happens you feel anxious and stressed about it but you aren't sure why that is.
You have a friend that every time you try to tell her what you're going through, she comes back to you with advice, suggestions, things to change, even though all you're actually looking for is someone to listen. Because of this, you stop going to her or telling her what's happening in your life.
Yet again, for the third week in a row, your boss is asking you to work late even though you have a dinner date planned with a friend.
None of the people in these scenarios are being malicious - they simply don't know what you want or need. And that is why, you have to tell them. You have to set your boundaries so that in the future, interactions between you and the other person are more peaceful and less anxiety producing.
Of course, there are people who will continue to push up against your boundaries with no disregard for your feelings. That isn't what we're talking about here.
I know it can be scary to set boundaries. We can feel like we're letting people down or that we're frustrating them. But the truth is, when we don't let people know how to treat us, it can lead to a total breakdown of the relationship. Other reasons you might be scared to set boundaries: You're a people pleaser, you feel like you're not worthy of setting boundaries, you don't think boundaries will solve the problem.
How can we set boundaries?
Here are some initial steps to setting healthy boundaries:
Identify the area where you're feeling stressed and anxious. Would setting a boundary help in that area? What is the root of the issue?
Remind yourself of WHY this boundary is important and what it will help to change in your life.
Calmly, politely, and with no apologies or long explanations, explain to the other person what your boundary is.
When the boundary is broken, address it right away, rather than letting it slide since “it's just the first time, they're learning.” When we allow people to continue to step on our boundaries it will be harder for them to learn and us to enforce.
